Letting go of self-judgement

After my very first guided yoga practice I uttered the words “yeah, I smashed that class!”….looking back, that was such an odd thing to say. Yoga is not something that is meant to be ‘smashed’, in fact it’s probably the complete opposite of how one should practice yoga. Granted it was the wrong choice of words, but I was proud of myself, and feeling like I had finally taken the first steps to achieving something I had been thinking about for a long time. “Let go of all judgments” my yoga teacher would say. Sure, I can do that, I thought, I’m not judging anyone anyway. It took me a fair while to realise that what I needed to let go of was self-judgement. Feeling inadequate isn’t something anyone likes to experience, and in a room full of people, folding themselves up like pretzels, it was too tempting to push myself beyond my body’s limits. I would lift that leg higher, bend my back further, and hold that pose longer, all with erratic breath and shaky legs. As my practice continued, and my body, mind and breath settled in to the asanas, I learnt to listen to myself, and understand the importance of balance. Balance in a tree pose, yes, but more importantly the balance of knowing when to push myself, and when to surrender to my desire to be the best.

I distinctly remember my moment of clarity. After a particularly tough class I was feeling surprisingly rejuvenated and relaxed, rather than exhausted and heavy. What made this time different? Dah, I now understood! If you continue to inhale and exhale, with deliberate steady breath, you can convince your body it’s doing ok. It’s safe, it’s flexible and it’s strong. It’s all about slowing your mind, and being mentally calm.

I still continue to strive to improve (that’s a part of human nature, right?), but I’m also prepared to take variations if I feel that is what is best for me at that point in time…and to do that without beating myself up about it. Inadequacy is something that has crept back in to my mind recently, but this time for a totally different reason. Here I am, just a regular girl, representing my authentic self. I’m a healthy weight, but I wouldn’t call myself skinny, I am not the most flexible person out there, and I don’t wear $100 brand name leggings (donations welcome!). There are so many fantastic yoga-based Instagram pages out there, and while they provide inspiration and often a sense of curiosity, I think it’s important that there are people like me around. People like me who take yoga pose selfies in their poorly lit spare bedroom. And that’s ok.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Nomaste

#judgement #selfjudgement #lettinggo